Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.
Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.
This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.
It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.
"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.
The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.
The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.
For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.
Your Letters
Considering what a superlative conductor of electricity gold is, I do believe that Datta Phuge has become the world's most expensive lightning rod.
roarshock, Oregon, USA
I just want to clear up any confusion regarding this story "Narrow Swindon alleyway painted with double yellow lines". This is an art installation and is a project on my media studies course. I'll get my paint brush.
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall
Andrew, Malvern, I knew I should have closed the curtains when the car drove past. Now everyone knows the colours of my kitchenware!
Darren, Birmingham
Re: tobacco memories. My grandfather regularly fielding calls at his corner grocery asking "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
Candace, New Jersey, US
Re: the story on Liberace. He was gay? Honestly? Well I would never have thought it. While the revelation floodgates have been opened - d'you have you any clues to the religious leanings of the Pope?
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire
Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.
The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.
"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."
The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.
"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."
In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.
"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.
The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.
Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.
A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.
Your Letters
Vodafone making bird-brained decisions like usual.
Chris Malton, Southampton, UK
Re this story: It calls to mind Mario Balotelli's reply when police questioned why he had £5,000 in cash on his person - "Because I am rich".
AD, London
Streetview, Pot, Kettle, Black.
Andrew, Malvern, UK
Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.
It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.
Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.
Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.
But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.
"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".
That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.
The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.
Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.
Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.
10 things we didn't know last week
Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience
1. Tears do not fall in space.
More details (Daily Telegraph)
2. Employees who install new web browsers on their computers perform better on average than those who use the default pre-installed browser that came with their machine.
More details (The Economist)
3. Methane eating micro-organisms carry out a deep clean of the oceans after an oil spill.
More details
4. Scientists are conducting searches for signs of extraterrestrial engineering.
More details (New Scientist)
5. The most popular place to hide valuables is a sock drawer.
More details (Daily Telegraph)
6. Fractions of virtual currency Bitcoin are known as satoshis.
More details (The Economist)
7. People in China hold "fake funerals" for themselves, so they can "enjoy" the day.
More details (Metro)
8. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak belonged to a group of hackers and hobbyists called the Homebrew Computer Club.
More details
9. Brains can be rendered transparent.
More details (Smithsonian Magazine)
10. Countries with the death penalty are now outnumbered by about five to one, by those who have abolished it.
More details (Guardian)
Your Letters
Re: labrador puppies tussling under one's jumper. Running does, however, have a synchronising effect on those puppies. The scientific question then becomes a problem of clockwise or anti-clockwise motion.
Candace, New Jersey, US
"Jam firm given permission to spread"? So what else are you supposed to do with it? Fire it off your spoon like a trebuchet? Sheesh!
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK
I could point out that 50,000 tons of meat is equivalent to about two thirds of the London bus fleet but that doesn't help very much. 50,000 tons of meat is one dodgy quarter-pounder for every EU citizen.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK
Great. As if we weren't already being forced to hear people chatting on their mobiles in public too much. Now we're going to have to put up with mega-phones.
Dave, Truro
There IS a God!
Angus Gafraidh, London UK
Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
If you're a woman, it may be worth reading the Times before getting dressed this morning.
The paper reports how Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, an academic at the University Hospital of Besancon in eastern France, has broken the post-war consensus.
Bras may not be necessary for holding up breasts. Or "norks" as Carol Midgley calls them in her commentary.
The Frenchman tracked 320 women's breasts over 15 years. I'll bet he did, a wag might mutter.
"Our first results validate the hypothesis that the bra is a false need," the professor says, adopting a most unpage 3 lexicon.
"Medically, physiologically and anatomically, the breast derives no benefit from being deprived of gravity. If it is, the tissues that support it are going to decline and the breast will progressively suffer damage."
Prof Rouillon is not one to shirk the detail. He notes that after a year of not wearing a bra, the nipples of women aged between 18 and 35 rose by 7mm on average.
Older and underweight women might need a bra but for the young it could be damaging, he argues in a technocratic idiom that comes naturally to a Francophone scientist.
"If a woman puts on a bra when her breasts first appear, the suspensory apparatus does not work properly and tissues of the bra distend."
It's left to Midgely to shoot his theory down with some anecdotal evidence of a less professorial tone. "Going without them gives you backache, a dowager's hump and the impression that two labrador puppies are tussling under your jumper."
Paper Monitor, who cannot confirm or deny the presence of a bra about its person, is keeping an open mind until Monsieur Rouillon's full research is published.
Your Letters
Mark (Wednesday's Letters) - Fee can get her octopodes after the opponent plays to,top,op,po, pod,od,de,ode,odes or es. I'll get my tiles.
Steve, Southampton
I was out by one! When, on Monday, I saw the published letter on octopodes which said, and I quote, "octopuses (octopi?)", my first thought was "Ooh! That person really needs to know the correct plural of octopus! Somebody well-informed on such important matters had better write in and tell them. I'll do it." But I was busy, so I didn't. Instead, I mulled the matter over and came to the conclusion that you, Magazine Monitor, deliberately published that letter knowing that it would be extremely provoking to many of your readers, and that you would get a mailbag stuffed to the electronic gills with letters giving the proper plural form of the word. I then guessed that you would publish four of them.
P.S. Duncan's was my favourite.
James, Stockport
Dutch horse or Malian camel?
Martin, Luxembourg
How sad the Dutch didn't take warning - one of the companies behind the current meat scandal is in the town of Oss.
Rahere, Smithfield
The new Galaxy Mega phone appears to be displaying a weather forecast of a sunny 25 degrees for London on Tuesday April 30th. That must be almost as optimistic as the idea of getting a 6.3inch phone in your trouser pocket.
Simon, Cambridge
Caption Competition
It's the Caption Competition.
Caption competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].
This week, a new look is unveiled.
6. trisarahtops:
Catwalk face-off
5. StoneyMast:
We come, with our new look, in peace. Take me to your leader
4. George Huber:
Mannequin Skywalker
3. abz:
Terracotta Armani
2. Fi:
After 35 years, someone finally designed a collection to cover Morph's modesty...
1. SkarloeyLine:
Eighth new social class discovered - the faceless minority
Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Sometimes an incongruous detail is all you need for a great story. Like putting Madonna and Gary Neville in the same headline.
"Madonna's very rude...Gary Neville has equally dazzling stature but better manners", goes the Daily Mirror headline.
The story is badged "It's Official" suggesting there may be an element of tongue in cheek. As might the picture of Neville wearing an England tracksuit, captioned "Dazzler", on one side of the page with Madge in a Panama hat on the other.
The paper reports that the Malawian government made an "astonishing attack" on the US artiste after she visited her charity in the southern African country last week.
The reason for the spat remains vague. The paper reports that she was "left fuming after being snubbed by president Joyce Banda and having to queue with economy passengers at the airport as she flew out of the capital Lilongwe".
The government statement accuses her of wanting Malawi "to be for ever chained to the obligation of gratitude".
Other papers note though that the government diatribe follows the sacking of the president's sister as head of Raising Malawi, Madonna's charity there.
But the story's real joy is in the ill-assorted mix of celebs the government lists.
"It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature."
Paper Monitor guesses that the Mirror subs had a little chat about which of the three footballers to pair with Madge in the headline.
Which would jar most incongruously next to the "Queen of Pop"? Somehow, ineffably, Gary Neville wins every time.
Your Letters
Duncan: "Pedants may wish to note that Octopussy wasn't a James Bond book title in itself"
No, but it was itself in a James Bond book title: "Octopussy and the Living Daylights", a book of (two) short stories by Ian Fleming published posthumously.
Goldfinger, London
Duncan (Tuesday's letters) - surely that should be "species' names"? I'll get my apostrophe.
David, Cardiff, South Wales
Fee - look for lots of space when your opponent plays "pod", and hope you have the right letters.
Mark, Banbury, Oxon
Really, it's their own fault for delaying this so long - had they done it earlier, there'd be less history to teach.
MK, Reading
Paper Monitor
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Margaret Thatcher's ability to kick off what Mrs Merton used to call a heated debate, is apparent on today's front pages.
The Sun has commissioned a poll of Britain's favourite prime ministers. "Maggie wins again!" it cries. Margaret Thatcher pushes Churchill into second place, and Clement Attlee can only manage 5%, behind Tony Blair and Harold Wilson.
In the YouGov poll of 1,893 adults, poor old Ted Heath and David Cameron finish with nil points. Pitt the younger doesn't get a look in either although that's because the poll confines itself to post-war leaders.
The Times strikes a conciliatory note. "Royal respect as Queen leads Thatcher mourners." The paper says that whatever misgivings the Queen may have had about Thatcherism have been put to one side. "The conjecture that the Queen was fundamentally opposed to much of what her longest-serving prime minister stood for will be forgotten in the significance of the moment."
"Operation True Blue: Thatcher funeral in security clampdown," warns the Guardian about fears that the funeral service may foment civic unrest and terrorist attacks.
The ipaper risks not only spreading alarm and confusion but enraging pedants. "Britain at war over Thatcher funeral". Erm, tanks on the streets, pitched battles? Oh, not literally.
The Daily Mirror goes in hard but with better grammar. "The £10m goodbye. Why is Britain's most divisive Prime Minister getting a ceremonial funeral fit for a Queen?"
It may not come as a total surprise to find that the Daily Mail is angry. Very angry. "The flames of hatred: 30 years of Left wing loathing for Lady T explodes in sick celebrations of her death." (There's also a medium range ballistic missile launched from page 10 at the good people of this parish...)
The Daily Telegraph tries to calm things down. "No gushing hysteria, just quiet, dignified respect" is the headline over Michael Deacon's report from Finchley, the Iron Lady's constituency for 33 years. A local recalls how she had a soft spot for a bar called Cheers.
"She would pop in and have a drink. Denis would have gin and tonic and I think she would have a glass of wine...She was very approachable and friendly." It's cosy and sepia tinted, like the credits of Coronation Street relocated to prosperous middle class suburbia.
But amidst all the gentle colour, the writer can't resist one pot shot at those celebrating Thatcher's death. "For those who insist that Left-wing ideology is motivated above all by compassion for others, this must be a difficult week." Ouch!
Which leaves one paper not doing Thatcher on its front page. Come in Daily Express, your taste for bathos knows no bounds. (Yes, even the Daily Star splashes on the funeral costs). "Gel to wipe out arthritic pain" runs the headline.
And on that bombshell...
Your Letters
Kat (Monday's letters) the pedants' plural for the octopus is 'octopodes' since the word is of Ancient Greek rather than Latin origin - this is why the pedants' word for 'Latin name' for a species is 'scientific name', since not all species names are in Latin. For regular folk ˜octopuses" are perfectly acceptable; this also avoids invoking James Bond film titles. Pedants may wish to note that Octopussy wasn't a James Bond book title in itself... I could go on; the world of the pedant is a Mandelbrotian nightmare. I'll get my anorak.
Duncan, Hurstpierpoint
Kat, (Monday's letters)
modern dictionaries say 'octopuses' or 'octopi' are acceptable, but marine biologists prefer 'octopodes'. Although quite how you could make something of that in Scrabble, I have no idea...
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex
Re: Iron Lady's passing. Handbags at half mast today.
Candace, New Jersey, US
To Rob Falconer (Monday's letters), I don't know why you're worrying about that rabbit eating 50 quids worth of lettuce and carrots or whatever. He'll still have three quid left over for frivolities such as visiting the Bunny Club.
Emigrant, Marseille, France
Kat, actually it's octopodes as the root word is Greek (eight-footed) not Latin. Yours in Pedantry.
Heather Simmons, Champaign, Illinois, USA
I'm aware that Lady Thatcher is dead, but the Magazine Monitor is more important.
Rob Mimpriss, Bangor, Wales
Oh, poor PM. I recommend a nice cup of hot cocoa, some biscuits, and a good thoughtless movie on the telly. Maybe an early bedtime, too.
Dragon, Concord, Calif, US
V-E Day: Indiana Newspapers announce end of war in Europe
PEACE and VICTORY were the headlines as the U.S. defeated Germany.
75 years ago: How Indiana observed V-E Day
In stark contrast to the Armistice Day in 1918, Indiana celebrations of victory in Europe in World War II were somber and subdued.
1919: Indianapolis welcomes home its World War I troops in grand fashion
A Victory arch greeted the troops as an official welcome home
Jim Gerard, former Indianapolis radio and TV host, has died. He was 93.
If Indianapolis had a spokesman, it was Jim Gerard. The Jim Gerard Show was a stop on many celebrity tours — bringing in stars like Bob Hope.
Broad Ripple's White City amusement park and the fake 'opium den' that burned it down
There were no fewer than 30 White City amusement parks across the world. They were inspired by the Chicago World's Fair.
Retro Indy: Science fairs to remember
The Indianapolis News was a sponsor of the Central Indiana Regional Science Fairs.
Video: 5 Indianapolis attractions that have come and gone
Memories of our most beloved amusements
This Hoosier president helped give America some of its greatest national parks
Often overlooked, Benjamin Harrison gave us great national parks and forests.
'Citizen archivists' projects to work on during the coronavirus pandemic
Volunteers serve as "citizen archivists" to help make their collections more accessible to the public.
Play ball! A retro look at the Indianapolis Indians
From Bush Stadium to Victory Field
What we can learn from Depression-era cooks: 3 recipes to try
Look to those that survived the Depression for survival tips.
The Indy 500 is delayed in 2020. Here are 6 times it was canceled.
The Indy 500 is delayed in 2020 due to the spread of the novel coronavirus. But six times, it was outright canceled.
How Indiana has fought back against past disease outbreaks
Epidemics aren't new. This is how Hoosiers have weathered them in the past.
Semper Fi: Kokomo native was first female Marine
Opha Johnson — born Opha May Jacob in Kokomo, Indiana — was honored 100 years later, thanks to the Women Marines Association.
Retro Recipes: Why some Hoosiers put spaghetti in chili
Add spaghetti to chili and people call you crazy. Add spaghetti and Middle Eastern spices and you're a genius (at least in Cincinnati).
Retro Indy: Fire ravaged circus and elephants roamed the streets of Fulton County
Animals were burned alive in a fire that swept the winter quarters of Cole Bros. Circus in Fulton County, Indiana, on Feb. 20, 1940.
Female ex-slaves found security, community at Indianapolis' Alpha Home
Many slave women outlived their children and husbands or were abandoned by them. They had no where to turn.
'More than corn in Indiana': The history of Indiana Beach Amusement Park
After nearly 100 years, the northern Indiana resort and amusement park closes. The park near Monticello was originally named Ideal Beach.
Retro Indy: Vintage life hacks your grandma might have used
From restoring a corset to avoiding banana unpleasantness, some of these hints are still helpful today.
Retro Indy: 1977 Hollandsburg massacre left 4 dead and a survivor to testify
Four boys were executed in a Parke County, Indiana, mobile home on Feb. 14, 1977. There was only one survivor: Betty Jane Spencer.
Black History: Famed Indiana artists have a shared heritage at Manual High School
William Edouard Scott and John Wesley Hardrick both studied under famed Impressionist painter Otto Stark at Manual High School.
Retro Indy: Tony Kiritsis was a very angry man
He wired a shotgun to a mortgage banker's neck and abducted him on live TV, but he was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
Director of 'Sound of Music,' 'West Side Story' never forgot his Hoosier roots
The prolific and multi-Oscar-winning director Robert Wise always credited his Indiana roots for his strong work ethic in Hollywood.
Retro Indy: Grocery stores and supermarkets
From the neighborhood markets to the supermarkets of our past
Indiana restaurant history in photos: From tenderloins to fried brains
In Indiana, everyone knows the best restaurants to get the best pie, fried chicken, tenderloins and yes...fried brains.
Lyell Highway, HAYES
ALERT LEVEL: No Alert Level
Region: S
LOCATION: Lyell Highway, HAYES
STATUS: Going
TYPE: STRUCTURE FIRE
SIZE: Not Available
Number of Vehicles: 1
More Info: http://www.fire.tas.gov.au/i/20016273
RESPONSIBLE AGENCY: Tasmania Fire Service
UPDATED: Sat, 9 May 2020 18:13:18 +1000
Triabunna
ALERT LEVEL: No Alert Level
Region: S
LOCATION: Triabunna
STATUS: Patrol
TYPE: FUEL REDUCTION BURN
SIZE: 533 hectares
Number of Vehicles:
More Info: http://www.fire.tas.gov.au/a/85154
RESPONSIBLE AGENCY: Tasmania Fire Service
UPDATED: Sun, 10 May 2020 00:34:24 +1000
Amid coronavirus celebs' 'Mean Tweets' video combats antisemitism
The video, a spin on Jimmy Kimmel’s 'Mean Tweets' video, features celebrities reading antisemitic posts at a time of increasing coronavirus-related anti-Jewish sentiment.
New ‘Star Wars’ projects from Taika Waititi and Leslye Headland on the way
This marks Waititi’s return to the world of Star Wars.
Kiss frontman Gene Simmons learns of his Holocaust survivor mother’s life
Kiss frontman Gene Simmons said his mother almost never spoke about her Holocaust ordeal, including time in Nazi camps.
Boris Johnson names his newborn after doctors who saved his life
Nicholas was a nod to Nick Price and Nick Hart - two doctors who the couple have praised for saving Johnson's life at St Thomas' hospital last month.